When an Expat Marriage Fails: What About the Children?
When an Expat Marriage Fails: What About the Children?
Sadly, I have been asked to provide expert testimony on several legal cases that involve educating expatriate children of divorced or divorcing couples. As these situations can quickly escalate, getting off to a clear start is crucial to maintaining the best possible experience for the children affected by this difficult circumstance.
Typically the issues around a child’s schooling when an expatriate marriage breaks up are related to custody. In the case of a local divorce custody issues may be complex, but they are simple compared with those that surface when a family lives outside their home country. This article presents families, HR, and legal counselors with some guidelines for addressing schooling decisions when parents divorce while abroad.
The complications families encounter typically revolve around some or all of these issues:
- Visitation or dual custody is impractical;
- The child has already (perhaps recently) experienced a change of schools – is it fair to put her through more disruption from friends as well as a forced change in academic program at a particularly vulnerable time?
- Did the child perform better – and was he happier – at the school back home or the school abroad?
- Which school is “better?” — often a code word for more exclusive reputation and/or better chances of university admission?
Divorce frequently is messy and this reality can’t be changed. But the goal of professionals advising the family is to bring parents to an early consensus that minimizing the disturbance to the children is a key and joint goal. Some of these questions can be addressed most effectively by careful preparation as well as instituting a structure for decision making before emotions get out of hand.
In the next section I will discuss the major issues I have seen end up in the legal system and will present some suggestions for addressing them before they become insurmountable.
Custody:
A parent divorcing but living close to the ex-spouse may be willing to accept either joint custody or a frequent visitation arrangement. But when divorce precipitates a distant move, the parent relinquishing custody may be less willing to give up his time with the child. Accusations that either the current or former school is superior become common because they more effectively bolster a case than simply demanding custody.
Tip:
Anticipate that this issue will arise, and before emotions begin to color the conversation prepare a straightforward comparison between the two schools on objective measures to focus the discussion. Measures may include teacher/student ratio, per pupil expenditures, availability of advanced courses or those appropriate to the child’s particular interests as well as availability of extracurricular activities can easily be compared. Agreeing upon criteria before the analysis is conducted is essential if it is to be an effective tool.
Transition:
Children transition differently. Some take to a school in a new country like a duck to water while others go through a prolonged period of sadness and academic difficulties. The ability to adapt reflects the child’s personality and self-confidence, the degree of their attachment at home, thier age as well as the security they feel in other aspects of his or her life.
Tips:
- As an integral part of considering whether or not to move the child again, look back on the previous transition for evidence that may be relevant to another change of school – this time during a more emotionally difficult phase of the child’s life.
- If the child is old enough, talk to him about his feelings on this matter in a genuinely concerned and even-handed way, keeping in mind the purpose of making the right choice for the child.
Goodness of Fit:
Whether in a local school or on an international assignment, during a stable period or a stressful one, some children fit better in certain school environments and others fare better in others. Unfortunately school decisions frequently are made for practical reasons without taking into account the child’s learning style, social preferences, or school size or compatibility between school offerings and individual interests. However, often when a child changes schools it is apparent that one school (current or former) provides an environment more favorable to the child’s educational needs.
Tip:
Discuss the child’s personal and academic strengths and weaknesses in an effort to identify which school is likely to bring out the best in her, put her on a better path in the next stage of her education, and be a more comfortable environment during the inevitable stress of the divorce. Although this category is fairly subjective it can be discussed within a straightforward context before conflict envelopes the child.
School Quality:
In my experience this is the point that receives the greatest focus when parents are vying for custody in cases of expatriate divorce. Typically parents and lawyers seek statistics including test scores, rankings and college placement results to justify either moving the child or keeping him with the expatriate parent. In reality this is the least important element in the choice of schools when an expatriate couple divorces.
Tip:
No child will perform in accordance with statistics if she is unnecessarily uncomfortable – either because she is forced to make yet another difficult transition, is in the wrong educational setting, or of course if she is placed at the center of the battlefield between parents. If expat parents cite a school’s report card to prove that the child should either stay or go they need to be advised that the child cannot be expected to attain those scores or be admitted to those universities unless child believes the school is a safe and compatible environment.
Conclusion:
When expats divorce the clear goal is to keep parental conflict far away from the child’s education. Unfortunately, schooling frequently becomes a battle ground on which a different war is being fought. These tips have been provided in the hopes that a structured way of addressing the underlying issues can preempt some of the inevitable emotion. If the school decision becomes one that requires outside intervention, objective advisors including those who know the child as well as those who understand education can either take the place of or assist legal counsel to pursue an outcome in the genuine best interests of the child.
Author: Elizabeth Perelstein
School Choice International
