Preparing for Transitions : Schooling for Expats
Preparing for Transitions : Schooling for Expats
Parental instincts encourage us to protect our children from adversity. Many parents are unenthusiastic about moving overseas with school aged children, unknown curriculum, social issues and repatriation. However, those of us who have moved abroad with children know that there is no greater gift that parents can give a child. For employees who are reluctant to move, this article explains the benefits of relocating with children, and provides tips to make the transition easier.
Reframing the Move as an Opportunity:
Whether moving domestically or internationally, children who master the art of transition develop life skills and confidence that equip them for anything they will face in the future. They know how to easily make new friends, adapt to change, take risks and take advantage of opportunities presented by their careers and personal lives. Children who have dealt with and overcome adversity are confident that they can, again, face any challenge that life puts in their path.
So our job, as parents, is not to shield our children from hardship, but to help them manage it, developing lifelong skills that they can draw upon when they need them later.
he following are some tips to help you help your children through the difficult times of transition, and to understand when a problem is more than situational, and may require expert advice.
Why Relocate Internationally?
Parents who are confident that their children will be enriched by an international assignment will automatically convey their overall enthusiasm, despite the inevitable difficult moments encountered along the way. By figuring out what inspires them can make it easier to support other family members through the transition. For parents who have any doubts yourself about the experience, the list of benefits below may include one or more items that really “speak” to them:
- Travel, in the new country, and in the region
- Develop a network of friends worldwide
- Become a global citizen – develop a broader vision by learning how others live
- Welcome diversity and celebrate differences
- Become open minded when you acknowledge that there is no right way to do anything
- Learn to question, including one’s own culture and its values
- Develop a sense of community service, particularly if you live in an underprivileged country
- Develop strong bonds with immediate family, the only people who actually share the same experiences
- Learn new languages and the ability to learn more new languages
When the “going gets tough” encourage assignees to pull out this list to help them remember what ever made you think this move was a good idea.
Planning for the Move
Like anything else, moving goes better for everyone in the family when it is well planned. The first thing to think about is involving everyone in the family in the arrangements, in age appropriate and meaningful ways. Whether engaging children in selecting items for their new rooms or in planning a good-bye party, parents can help them feel like valued members of the team, which encourages them to invest in the decision.
An international move is a major disruption for the whole family over a long period of time. It is worthwhile to be organized about all aspects, rather than leaving important things to chance. If organization is not a parent’s strength, they should be encouraged to involve someone who does excel in this trait – perhaps a teenage child can be the project manager. Parents may need checklists to ensure they don’t pack their children’s immunization certificates in their containers or end up with other irreversible consequences. Even for families that have moved before and are very experienced at transitions, each place is different, and there is no substitute for doing some preparatory homework. It is important to learn about local norms and family dynamics as well as where to find a doctor or shop. Even families who are eager to explore a new culture and to assimilate will still want to keep family rules and values.. If you Parents need to know what to expect in advance of your arrival to avoid making some spontaneous decisions about what children should be allowed to do at different ages, to maintain discipline that corresponds to their overall parenting philosophy. Research can provide logistical information but parents should also want to talk with other parents of their home culture about curfews, drugs, homework policies, etc. Anything you can do to connect parents with each other or with former expats can facilitate this process.
Remind parents that they will be leaving people as well as physical presences that have been comforting for a long time. When saying good-bye to grandparents, friends, pets and a house, parents may wish to keep some things familiar, such as furniture, even though moving your household belongings may not be the most cost-effective choice. All decisions should take into account the emotional needs of each individual family member as well as the practical circumstances.
Expect the Unexpected
Educate your potential expat parents: transitions have cycles. Arrival in a new home will often be accompanied by a burst of enthusiasm. But they should not be surprised when six months later both child and parents hit an all time low. Transitions take time, so no one should expect miracles. And everyone experiences change differently, children included.
Often, the child least expected to will have the most difficulty. Parents anticipate that the introvert will take a longer time to adjust where, in reality, the extrovert actually may find the change more daunting. Introverts may not jump into a crowd on Day 1, but the introverted personality feels intrinsically more comfortable being alone. The extrovert only feels comfortable in the presence of others, so the time until s/he is safely ensconced in a group of friends may be more painful for him than for his introverted sister. During this time it is crucial for parents to keep their own feelings in check and not let their own discomfort make that of the child worse. When parents wish that their introverted daughter would extend herself to join the other children, they need to recognize that her way may be different from the parents way and that knowing she is not meeting parental expectations will only increase her burden.
Communicate: With the Child
When embarking on a relocation, communication is the most important tool to bring along. It is crucial for parents to talk with their child, spouse, and the child’s teacher. Make sure the child knows that s/he will be attending a new school where the customs will be different and the curriculum may be as well. It is important that s/he understands that while you will make every effort to help him to catch up if he is behind, or to provide challenge if she is ahead, there is nothing wrong with him or her if the academic program does not match up with that of his or her former school. She has simply learned different content or the program may be taught in a different sequence. Parents may want to explain that even if you did not talk with his teacher back home, you will speak with the new teacher to make sure that basic information is shared.
Communicate: With the Teacher
Except in an international school, most teachers do not understand expatriates or children who have moved from different countries. They may think a child who doesn’t know the language doesn’t understand the material, and may not understand the logistical or emotional aspects of settling in. If families are separated for a period of time, or living in temporary housing, it is important that the teacher knows this. In any event it is helpful to explain the transition that the child has experienced, leaving home, friends, grandparents, pets, etc. Parents may need to clarify to the teacher that a relocating child may be ahead in some areas and behind in others and let the teacher know that you would like him or her to share any unusual behaviors she observes with you.
Strategies – Family Support
There are things parents can do to make the transition easier for a child. Focus on the genuine positives (not simply promising to buy a dog), while acknowledging the short term difficulties that children will undoubtedly encounter. Make sure they know that parents also have adjustment difficulties, but that the parent is confident that the move will be worthwhile in the end. Children should be to encouraged to them about these feelings, and family time set aside for these conversations.
There are ways parents can assure their children that they are the center of their lives, particularly when they don’t feel central to anyone else. It is reasonable to plan to be more available for a while; even if that means curtailing social life somewhat during the transitional period.
A rushed schedule is stressful for children, particularly when they are already tense. So when possible, it is best to keep things simple for a while, allowing kids downtime. Reading books about other children in similar situations will make them less alone in their emotions, and also will encourage them to talk about these feelings. Parents may be able to help young children find friends in school through other parents and by encouraging participation in extracurricular activities. For older children, however, parental intervention can be embarrassing.
Causes for Concern
For the most part, children who have done well in their former lives will adjust well to a new school in a new country after a short time. However, there may be occasions where the move doesn’t go well and where professional intervention is warranted.
Some signs to take seriously, after the initial adjustment period, are significant weight loss or gain, or a major change in student performance. Anything uncharacteristic that goes on for a long period of time may be developmental, but is certainly something to check out. Any disturbing feedback from the teacher or school should be discussed, first with the child, and then with the person who has provided the feedback. Even if intervention is not required at this point, a parent should certainly be on the watch for any further indications. Health concerns such as frequent illness, fatigue, or major mood changes for sustained period would be another indicator that all is not well. Finally, if a child does not want to attend school, or to participate in other activities, parents should first consult the teacher or school counselor, but it may be that seeking a mental health professional is in order. Certainly, if a child experiences a number of these issues together, parents should be encouraged to seek professional help.
Children change during the various developmental stages and these changes may coincide with the significant adjustments that are an inevitable part of the losses and stresses that are inherent in relocation. Nevertheless, it is better to provide a child with support during these times than to ignore a potentially serious issue during a difficult period.
Saying Good-Bye
It is well known that saying good-bye well sends a child off to a good start in her new home. Here are some ideas for saying good-bye in a way that allows him to hit the new ground running:
- Revisit all his favorite places
- Take photographs
- Make a collage
- Keep a journal
- Have a party
- Reminisce with family
- Tell people that you appreciate their friendship
- Make plans for a return trip or reunion
- Plan something to look forward to after moving
Conclusion
While it may be difficult for a parent to be clearheaded during this daunting process, maintaining focus on the end result is a great help. An expatriate experience is an opportunity of a lifetime, which provides children with unparalleled knowledge, an open mind, and a can-do attitude. While there may be a few difficult discussions, and undoubtedly some tears, parents need to remember that they are giving their child a gift. Providing constructive strategies such as those suggested above can help your assignees and their families through the transition to the thrilling experience on the other side.
